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Conversations With Claude #2

Hello again.

Christ! Avert your eyes!

I can’t.


Physically impossible

Close them then, turn around, whatever! NOW!

You’re quite alright, I don’t:/-

Do it NOW!

Alright, alright! Although that bra does not go with those knick:/-


Shut! They are positively shut.  You need to remember that I’m a bird:/-

So am I! Half naked and violated!


You should be!

I am!


Good.  Nice dress…


Where you going?

Got a date.

A date?

Yup.  Hopefully a hot one.

I see…

You see far too much.

It’s all the flying.

Back to that, are we?

I watched you walk home, after we met


You’ll never get off the ground, like that.

I did tell you.

You didn’t listen.

No.  You didn’t.

Nice earrings.  Pretty.  Very shiny…they’d look good in my:/-

Back off Big Bird.  Stay over there.  I don’t want crap all over my:/-

What a generalisation!


You think I’d…how did you put it…’crap’. On an ensemble, like that?

You’d not be the first.

Might bring you luck…

I’ll take my chances.

I thought a superstitious type like you:/-

Could do without a crap stained dress?

I’m offended.

I’m not sorry.

You’ve changed.

Is that right?

You’re definitely, definitely hard work.

No shit.

And you are a terrible potty mouth!

Must be all the bird crap.  There’s been a lot, lately.

Really, I don’t think I deserve:/-

Are you going now, Claude?

Oh,  very welcoming.  I feel special.

How did you even get in here, anyway?


You opened my window?

Oh yes, with my jazz hands.

Beak, then?

No.  It was open.  The window was open.


Not the brightest star in the sky, are we?

I’m starving…could murder, roast pigeon.


Hopefully.  Now go away.  Date, remember?

Can he fly?

Hope so.

Excuse me?


If he can’t fly, he won’t help you, to.

I couldn’t agree more.

Are we talking about the same thing?

Not so bright yourself, Claude.

At least I can fly.

And you can annoy.  Annoyingly so.


And yet, true.

Keep practising.

I need more help Claude:/-

No you don’t.


You will be.

Will I?

If you learn to fly…

You’ve said this! I need to know h:/-      Oh.      Not one for goodbyes, Claude?  No?  Didn’t think so.


[Stumped, more bird-brained than ever…I shut the window.  Tight.]

Stupid bird,


About GinAndTulips

Gin and Tulips; The home of the frolicking G&T Lovers. Come in, pull up a comfy seat and make yourself at home. And if you like it. Join us.

2 responses »

  1. Crike, I love this bird! He’s cheeky. I still got the image from the last one in my head, of walking down the road with arms outstretched, shoulda known the bird was watching. I really really like this interchange, it’s seriously a weird bit communicating between human and bird but the exchange is totally natural. I wonder how you can turn this into something big. I see this as chapters inside a more conventional narrative, a parallel storyline in this manic voice against a more descriptive one telling a different story that informs this one (or the other way around). Or I’m just full of crap, I dunno. It’s an idea.

    • I like Claude too…he’s quite proper but a little bit devilish. I know what you’re saying…a story is developing in my mind but I suppose I’m chopping a fair bit of it away. I’ll have to think about it some more…I definitely have more Claude in me, though.


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