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Conversations With Claude #4

So come on then.


You said it was time.

Oh yes, right. So let’s start at the beginning.


The concept of flying is simple:/-



Why can I hear you?

You have ears, my dear.

No, I mean…why me? Why only me?

I can’t answer that.

You could at least try.

Well…maybe they could hear but don’t.


You could think upon it…as a gift.

The Pigeon Whisperer.  Lucky, lucky me.

So ungrateful:/-

I’d just have preferred x-ray vision or:/-

Really, can you not just be happy with what you have?

I’m ecstatic.

I can see that.  Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, you know.

Oh, just get on with it.

As you wish!

I wish.



Go on, then!

Yes, yes. Keep your knickers on, I’m building up to it!

Build faster!

Do you understand the concept?

Of what?

Of flying.


Really, what do they teach in schools, these days?



Get. On. With. It.

Right. So. Imagine I have a badger on my back.

Are you taking the pi:/-

Stay with me, Dear. Imagine the badger.


Could I take flight, with said badger, on my back?

Is this rhetorical?



Right. He would weigh me down, making it impossible for me to soar through the treetops, at one with the:/-

I get it.


So…what has this got to do with me?

You need to lose your badger.

Excuse me?

Lose the badger.

I haven’t got a fucking badger!

Now, listen here, young lady:/-

Oh, forget it.

Wait!  You need to lose the badger! Baggage! I mean baggage! You need to lose the
baggage that weighs you down!

Why didn’t you just say that!

I like metaphors…

What are you looking at?

Incredible, Claude.

Thank you!

It was definitely not a compliment.


So what’s my badger, I mean…baggage?

You need to work that out by yourself.


Think about it.

I’ve got nothing.

You have plenty. A full set, actually.

Of badgers or baggage?

Definitely both.

Oh, can’t you just tell me!

I could…but it doesn’t work like that.

Why not! Be a rebel!

Absolutely not, don’t be absurd. Me a rebel! Honestly,  I can’t believe you just:/-

Alright, alright! Jesus! I’ll do it myself.

That’s the spirit!

Isn’t it. What about a hint?



Get rid of the badger.


I mean it.


You’ll not even try, will you?

Probably not.

You really are impossible! I don’t know how I got lumbered with this, this really is the last time I ever; Well come on then!


I’ll take you.




You’re getting right under my feathers,  so let’s just get this done. I really haven’t got the patience for:/-

I’m annoying you?


I’m annoying you? I’mannoyingyou. I’m. Annoying. YOU!

Oh, wait up; Claude! Slow down, where we going?

Badger culling!

Did you just crack a funny? Claude! Did you just; Wait!  

Oh, be quiet.  And get a wriggle on!

Coming, wait; I’m coming! Ha, Claude! Wait for me!

And I ran behind him, struggling to keep up; ready to take down my badgers…whoever or whatever they might be.

**This is the fourth in a series of ‘Conversations With Claude’ – you can find the previous three on G&T homepage.


Conversations With Claude #3

Thought I might find you here…

Oh, hello Dear:/-

Don’t ‘Dear’ me, Claude, you little:/-  Get back here!  Get down here, now!

Not until you calm down!

I’m gonna wring your bloody neck!

There really is no need for unpleasantries:/-  stop that!  People are looking:/-

I don’t CARE! 

They’ll lock you up!

No, they’ll lock you up.  Lock you up and dissect you! Chop you up into tiny, little, silent pieces, hopefully!

Don’t cry…

Are you alright?

Why, Claude…why’d you do it?

He’s not right for you.

Who the hell are you to decide! 

Trust that I am right.

You shit on him!  You bloody shit all over him!

I’ll admit, it wasn’t pretty but:/-

You must have been saving it up for a week! You and your verminous friends!

They simply did me a favour and I’d do it again if:/-

Do me a favour and leave me alone!  I swear to God, I will pluck every feather from your horrible little head if I so much hear:/-

You’re getting angry again.  Just breathe…relax; wargh!


People. Are. Looking!

So?  You’re the freak, I just:/-

Only you can hear me.


Oh, now.  Come on, dear, please. Please get up.  Stop crying,  I find it very upsetting:/-

What the hell is wrong with me!

Oh, you silly thing.  Nothing! Absolutely nothing, here; would you like a tissue?

You’ve got tissues! Oh, Of course you’ve got tissues!  Why wouldn’t you have tissues! Everybody needs:/-    OWWW!

I’m sorry I had to do that. 

Just go away, Claude.  Please! Just leave me:/-

Calm yourself down.  Just calm down, that’s it.  Just pull yourself together and I’ll explain.

I really liked him, Claude.  I liked him and it was all just fine until you decided to make me look insane…

Insanity is a misused term, he probably just thought you were:/-

For crying out loud!  Shut up!  Just shut up! I can’t take any more of this! What do you want!

I don’t want anything, Dear, simply to help:/-

Help!  Help what?  Ruin my life?  Ruin everything?  Make me crazy?

Make you fly.

Do you want blood, is that it?  Do you want me to die, proving you wrong? Come on then! Let’s climb right up there and I’ll jump! I’ll bloody do it, Claude! I’ll do it right now!

You’ve got everything mixed up.  I assure you that I only have your best intere:/-

Oh my God!  I can’t do this!  I can’t take another min:/-

I think it’s time.

What, Claude!  Time for what?!  What now!


To teach you.