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Conversations With Claude #4

So come on then.


You said it was time.

Oh yes, right. So let’s start at the beginning.


The concept of flying is simple:/-



Why can I hear you?

You have ears, my dear.

No, I mean…why me? Why only me?

I can’t answer that.

You could at least try.

Well…maybe they could hear but don’t.


You could think upon it…as a gift.

The Pigeon Whisperer.  Lucky, lucky me.

So ungrateful:/-

I’d just have preferred x-ray vision or:/-

Really, can you not just be happy with what you have?

I’m ecstatic.

I can see that.  Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, you know.

Oh, just get on with it.

As you wish!

I wish.



Go on, then!

Yes, yes. Keep your knickers on, I’m building up to it!

Build faster!

Do you understand the concept?

Of what?

Of flying.


Really, what do they teach in schools, these days?



Get. On. With. It.

Right. So. Imagine I have a badger on my back.

Are you taking the pi:/-

Stay with me, Dear. Imagine the badger.


Could I take flight, with said badger, on my back?

Is this rhetorical?



Right. He would weigh me down, making it impossible for me to soar through the treetops, at one with the:/-

I get it.


So…what has this got to do with me?

You need to lose your badger.

Excuse me?

Lose the badger.

I haven’t got a fucking badger!

Now, listen here, young lady:/-

Oh, forget it.

Wait!  You need to lose the badger! Baggage! I mean baggage! You need to lose the
baggage that weighs you down!

Why didn’t you just say that!

I like metaphors…

What are you looking at?

Incredible, Claude.

Thank you!

It was definitely not a compliment.


So what’s my badger, I mean…baggage?

You need to work that out by yourself.


Think about it.

I’ve got nothing.

You have plenty. A full set, actually.

Of badgers or baggage?

Definitely both.

Oh, can’t you just tell me!

I could…but it doesn’t work like that.

Why not! Be a rebel!

Absolutely not, don’t be absurd. Me a rebel! Honestly,  I can’t believe you just:/-

Alright, alright! Jesus! I’ll do it myself.

That’s the spirit!

Isn’t it. What about a hint?



Get rid of the badger.


I mean it.


You’ll not even try, will you?

Probably not.

You really are impossible! I don’t know how I got lumbered with this, this really is the last time I ever; Well come on then!


I’ll take you.




You’re getting right under my feathers,  so let’s just get this done. I really haven’t got the patience for:/-

I’m annoying you?


I’m annoying you? I’mannoyingyou. I’m. Annoying. YOU!

Oh, wait up; Claude! Slow down, where we going?

Badger culling!

Did you just crack a funny? Claude! Did you just; Wait!  

Oh, be quiet.  And get a wriggle on!

Coming, wait; I’m coming! Ha, Claude! Wait for me!

And I ran behind him, struggling to keep up; ready to take down my badgers…whoever or whatever they might be.

**This is the fourth in a series of ‘Conversations With Claude’ – you can find the previous three on G&T homepage.


Conversations With Claude #2

Hello again.

Christ! Avert your eyes!

I can’t.


Physically impossible

Close them then, turn around, whatever! NOW!

You’re quite alright, I don’t:/-

Do it NOW!

Alright, alright! Although that bra does not go with those knick:/-


Shut! They are positively shut.  You need to remember that I’m a bird:/-

So am I! Half naked and violated!


You should be!

I am!


Good.  Nice dress…


Where you going?

Got a date.

A date?

Yup.  Hopefully a hot one.

I see…

You see far too much.

It’s all the flying.

Back to that, are we?

I watched you walk home, after we met


You’ll never get off the ground, like that.

I did tell you.

You didn’t listen.

No.  You didn’t.

Nice earrings.  Pretty.  Very shiny…they’d look good in my:/-

Back off Big Bird.  Stay over there.  I don’t want crap all over my:/-

What a generalisation!


You think I’d…how did you put it…’crap’. On an ensemble, like that?

You’d not be the first.

Might bring you luck…

I’ll take my chances.

I thought a superstitious type like you:/-

Could do without a crap stained dress?

I’m offended.

I’m not sorry.

You’ve changed.

Is that right?

You’re definitely, definitely hard work.

No shit.

And you are a terrible potty mouth!

Must be all the bird crap.  There’s been a lot, lately.

Really, I don’t think I deserve:/-

Are you going now, Claude?

Oh,  very welcoming.  I feel special.

How did you even get in here, anyway?


You opened my window?

Oh yes, with my jazz hands.

Beak, then?

No.  It was open.  The window was open.


Not the brightest star in the sky, are we?

I’m starving…could murder, roast pigeon.


Hopefully.  Now go away.  Date, remember?

Can he fly?

Hope so.

Excuse me?


If he can’t fly, he won’t help you, to.

I couldn’t agree more.

Are we talking about the same thing?

Not so bright yourself, Claude.

At least I can fly.

And you can annoy.  Annoyingly so.


And yet, true.

Keep practising.

I need more help Claude:/-

No you don’t.


You will be.

Will I?

If you learn to fly…

You’ve said this! I need to know h:/-      Oh.      Not one for goodbyes, Claude?  No?  Didn’t think so.


[Stumped, more bird-brained than ever…I shut the window.  Tight.]

Stupid bird,

Conversations With Claude #1

Hello there.


Mind if I perch here?

It’s a free country. Be my guest.


No problem.

Nice to meet you; The name’s Claude.


Something funny about Claude?

Just a weird name, for a:-/

You’re talking to a Magpie and it’s my name that strikes you as funny?

I haven’t met many Claudes.

But you’ve met many Magpies?

A few.


I thought you were a pigeon.

Now who’s being funny?


You’re forgiven.

I’ve seen you about, Claude. I’ve been waiting for all the sorrow.

Why is that?

There’s that rhyme.

So you’re the superstitious kind?



You ask a lot of questions.

I like shiny things.

But I’m not shiny.

You could be.


Learn to fly.

Physically impossible.

Have you tried?

My name’s not Mary Poppins.

You’re better looking.


You need to see…

I have eyes.

I mean, see what’s in front of you.

A talking pigeon.

I’m beside you. And don’t think I didn’t see what you did there.


Are you always so sorry?

Am I dead? I’m dead, aren’t I.

No! Far from it! But you could live a little more.

Is that right? And I suppose to fly, is to live?

You see…you’re getting it.

You’re crazy. Or I am…

You’re just seeing with your eyes.

I was never blind!

Just spread your wings…

What wings? I haven’t got any, I:-/

But he was gone, a speck in the sky; leaving me out in the cold. So I walked home…with my arms spread wide.