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Conversations With Claude #4

magpie-ahhh
So come on then.

Sorry?

You said it was time.

Oh yes, right. So let’s start at the beginning.

Great.

The concept of flying is simple:/-

Wait!

Yes?

Why can I hear you?

You have ears, my dear.

No, I mean…why me? Why only me?

I can’t answer that.

You could at least try.

Well…maybe they could hear but don’t.

What?

You could think upon it…as a gift.

The Pigeon Whisperer.  Lucky, lucky me.

So ungrateful:/-

I’d just have preferred x-ray vision or:/-

Really, can you not just be happy with what you have?

I’m ecstatic.

I can see that.  Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, you know.

Oh, just get on with it.

As you wish!

I wish.

Fine.

Fine.

Go on, then!

Yes, yes. Keep your knickers on, I’m building up to it!

Build faster!

Do you understand the concept?

Of what?

Of flying.

No.

Really, what do they teach in schools, these days?

Claude.

Hmm?

Get. On. With. It.

Right. So. Imagine I have a badger on my back.

Are you taking the pi:/-

Stay with me, Dear. Imagine the badger.

Okay…

Could I take flight, with said badger, on my back?

Is this rhetorical?

No.

No?

Right. He would weigh me down, making it impossible for me to soar through the treetops, at one with the:/-

I get it.

Wonderful!

So…what has this got to do with me?

You need to lose your badger.

Excuse me?

Lose the badger.

I haven’t got a fucking badger!

Now, listen here, young lady:/-

Oh, forget it.

Wait!  You need to lose the badger! Baggage! I mean baggage! You need to lose the
baggage that weighs you down!

Why didn’t you just say that!

I like metaphors…

What are you looking at?

Incredible, Claude.

Thank you!

It was definitely not a compliment.

Oh.

So what’s my badger, I mean…baggage?

You need to work that out by yourself.

How?

Think about it.

I’ve got nothing.

You have plenty. A full set, actually.

Of badgers or baggage?

Definitely both.

Oh, can’t you just tell me!

I could…but it doesn’t work like that.

Why not! Be a rebel!

Absolutely not, don’t be absurd. Me a rebel! Honestly,  I can’t believe you just:/-

Alright, alright! Jesus! I’ll do it myself.

That’s the spirit!

Isn’t it. What about a hint?

No.

Okay.

Get rid of the badger.

Yup.

I mean it.

Ahuh.

You’ll not even try, will you?

Probably not.

You really are impossible! I don’t know how I got lumbered with this, this really is the last time I ever; Well come on then!

What?

I’ll take you.

Really?

Yes.

Thanks!

You’re getting right under my feathers,  so let’s just get this done. I really haven’t got the patience for:/-

I’m annoying you?

Yes!

I’m annoying you? I’mannoyingyou. I’m. Annoying. YOU!

Oh, wait up; Claude! Slow down, where we going?

Badger culling!

Did you just crack a funny? Claude! Did you just; Wait!  

Oh, be quiet.  And get a wriggle on!

Coming, wait; I’m coming! Ha, Claude! Wait for me!

And I ran behind him, struggling to keep up; ready to take down my badgers…whoever or whatever they might be.

**This is the fourth in a series of ‘Conversations With Claude’ – you can find the previous three on G&T homepage.

My Favourite Thing, I Saw Today

I saw this and fell about laughing. Loved it….and thought it might cheer you all up, too. That’s if you need cheering up. If you don’t, well…read it anyway.

20121119-141344.jpg

I Don’t Like Chat Up Lines.

“Get your coat, you’ve pulled.”

Pulled what?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Know what you mean.”

“Erm. Yeah.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

“Oh, I’m sure, alright.”

“So I get my coat. What then?”

“We could go to my place. Or yours. I don’t mind, I;/”

“What then?”

“What?”

“What then? Once I am at your place. Or mine.”

“We could get naughty.”

“What do you class as naughty?”

“You know.”

“Do you?”

“Jesus!”

“Where?”

“Stop mucking me about.”

“Why am I?”

“Because you know exactly what;/”

“But I want to know if you do.”

“What?”

“Know.”

“Know what!”

“You know…”

“No I don’t know!”

“You don’t?”

“NO!”

“Didn’t think so.”

“So…?”

“Now we know.”

“Is that a no?”

“Yes.”