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Conversations With Claude #3

Thought I might find you here…

Oh, hello Dear:/-

Don’t ‘Dear’ me, Claude, you little:/-  Get back here!  Get down here, now!

Not until you calm down!

I’m gonna wring your bloody neck!

There really is no need for unpleasantries:/-  stop that!  People are looking:/-

I don’t CARE! 

They’ll lock you up!

No, they’ll lock you up.  Lock you up and dissect you! Chop you up into tiny, little, silent pieces, hopefully!

Don’t cry…

Are you alright?

Why, Claude…why’d you do it?

He’s not right for you.

Who the hell are you to decide! 

Trust that I am right.

You shit on him!  You bloody shit all over him!

I’ll admit, it wasn’t pretty but:/-

You must have been saving it up for a week! You and your verminous friends!

They simply did me a favour and I’d do it again if:/-

Do me a favour and leave me alone!  I swear to God, I will pluck every feather from your horrible little head if I so much hear:/-

You’re getting angry again.  Just breathe…relax; wargh!


People. Are. Looking!

So?  You’re the freak, I just:/-

Only you can hear me.


Oh, now.  Come on, dear, please. Please get up.  Stop crying,  I find it very upsetting:/-

What the hell is wrong with me!

Oh, you silly thing.  Nothing! Absolutely nothing, here; would you like a tissue?

You’ve got tissues! Oh, Of course you’ve got tissues!  Why wouldn’t you have tissues! Everybody needs:/-    OWWW!

I’m sorry I had to do that. 

Just go away, Claude.  Please! Just leave me:/-

Calm yourself down.  Just calm down, that’s it.  Just pull yourself together and I’ll explain.

I really liked him, Claude.  I liked him and it was all just fine until you decided to make me look insane…

Insanity is a misused term, he probably just thought you were:/-

For crying out loud!  Shut up!  Just shut up! I can’t take any more of this! What do you want!

I don’t want anything, Dear, simply to help:/-

Help!  Help what?  Ruin my life?  Ruin everything?  Make me crazy?

Make you fly.

Do you want blood, is that it?  Do you want me to die, proving you wrong? Come on then! Let’s climb right up there and I’ll jump! I’ll bloody do it, Claude! I’ll do it right now!

You’ve got everything mixed up.  I assure you that I only have your best intere:/-

Oh my God!  I can’t do this!  I can’t take another min:/-

I think it’s time.

What, Claude!  Time for what?!  What now!


To teach you.





Conversations With Claude #2

Hello again.

Christ! Avert your eyes!

I can’t.


Physically impossible

Close them then, turn around, whatever! NOW!

You’re quite alright, I don’t:/-

Do it NOW!

Alright, alright! Although that bra does not go with those knick:/-


Shut! They are positively shut.  You need to remember that I’m a bird:/-

So am I! Half naked and violated!


You should be!

I am!


Good.  Nice dress…


Where you going?

Got a date.

A date?

Yup.  Hopefully a hot one.

I see…

You see far too much.

It’s all the flying.

Back to that, are we?

I watched you walk home, after we met


You’ll never get off the ground, like that.

I did tell you.

You didn’t listen.

No.  You didn’t.

Nice earrings.  Pretty.  Very shiny…they’d look good in my:/-

Back off Big Bird.  Stay over there.  I don’t want crap all over my:/-

What a generalisation!


You think I’d…how did you put it…’crap’. On an ensemble, like that?

You’d not be the first.

Might bring you luck…

I’ll take my chances.

I thought a superstitious type like you:/-

Could do without a crap stained dress?

I’m offended.

I’m not sorry.

You’ve changed.

Is that right?

You’re definitely, definitely hard work.

No shit.

And you are a terrible potty mouth!

Must be all the bird crap.  There’s been a lot, lately.

Really, I don’t think I deserve:/-

Are you going now, Claude?

Oh,  very welcoming.  I feel special.

How did you even get in here, anyway?


You opened my window?

Oh yes, with my jazz hands.

Beak, then?

No.  It was open.  The window was open.


Not the brightest star in the sky, are we?

I’m starving…could murder, roast pigeon.


Hopefully.  Now go away.  Date, remember?

Can he fly?

Hope so.

Excuse me?


If he can’t fly, he won’t help you, to.

I couldn’t agree more.

Are we talking about the same thing?

Not so bright yourself, Claude.

At least I can fly.

And you can annoy.  Annoyingly so.


And yet, true.

Keep practising.

I need more help Claude:/-

No you don’t.


You will be.

Will I?

If you learn to fly…

You’ve said this! I need to know h:/-      Oh.      Not one for goodbyes, Claude?  No?  Didn’t think so.


[Stumped, more bird-brained than ever…I shut the window.  Tight.]

Stupid bird,

Conversations With Claude #1

Hello there.


Mind if I perch here?

It’s a free country. Be my guest.


No problem.

Nice to meet you; The name’s Claude.


Something funny about Claude?

Just a weird name, for a:-/

You’re talking to a Magpie and it’s my name that strikes you as funny?

I haven’t met many Claudes.

But you’ve met many Magpies?

A few.


I thought you were a pigeon.

Now who’s being funny?


You’re forgiven.

I’ve seen you about, Claude. I’ve been waiting for all the sorrow.

Why is that?

There’s that rhyme.

So you’re the superstitious kind?



You ask a lot of questions.

I like shiny things.

But I’m not shiny.

You could be.


Learn to fly.

Physically impossible.

Have you tried?

My name’s not Mary Poppins.

You’re better looking.


You need to see…

I have eyes.

I mean, see what’s in front of you.

A talking pigeon.

I’m beside you. And don’t think I didn’t see what you did there.


Are you always so sorry?

Am I dead? I’m dead, aren’t I.

No! Far from it! But you could live a little more.

Is that right? And I suppose to fly, is to live?

You see…you’re getting it.

You’re crazy. Or I am…

You’re just seeing with your eyes.

I was never blind!

Just spread your wings…

What wings? I haven’t got any, I:-/

But he was gone, a speck in the sky; leaving me out in the cold. So I walked home…with my arms spread wide.